Sunday, March 17, 2013

I didn't wish to say anything here but i suppose its the only place i can turn to now. I would totally write it some where else, like my old tumblr... but i forgot the password. The point is, i have forgotten so much. I have even forgotten who i am. 

Isn't it weird... i mean some times i wonder who the hell am i. I used to be a rock in secondary school. I swear NO BODY could knock me down. And some times i found some of my old friends coming to me for advices. Then I became crazy. Like bipolar, and did so many stupid things and got all these tattoos on impulse. 

And then i tried so hard to grow up and started wearing florals and being in love with pink all a sudden. And now im going crazy for that "sophisticated" grown up look. I mean who am i trying to kid. I have all these different sort of clothes that i won't even wear now until that "me" decides to pay ME a visit again.

I have never actually said this to anyone. But i don't know, if im even for real. I don't really care about what you think about me right now. I am human and no my life isn't as perfect as everyone says it is. 

I've made a hell lot of mistakes in my life. Im not saying im some inspirational rebel cause i know there are people out there who've been through so much more and/or are suffering right now. Compared to them, i know i sound like a pathetic bitch seeking attention. Well, i just wanna have a space to fill up so that i can empty my mind with these vicious thoughts. 

Maybe this is just a phrase. Like just a down time. I mean everyone has their down times too right. Whats different about it though is i caused this to happen. You know. I've lost myself. I can't even stand firm on what i believe in and i get influence easily because i don't even know myself. Another point to add? Im fucking lonely. It almost funny. I have a best friend. But when we are in a pile of shit i made, who do i turn to? No one... So i think and think and think and i have all these thoughts in my head that allows me to further sink myself into this world away from reality. No im not depressed or psychotic. So stop judging right there. Im just sad and disappointed and angry with myself.

I keep putting up this front for people to see. I mean how can i choose not to?? Can you tell if im really happy from some photo shoot pic? No you can't. Do you know how hard it is to have to be happy cause thats how your life is? Have you ever wondered whats going through my head whenever im in some shoot? So many times i just wanna burst into tears but can i? Do you know how many times i've wanted to just give up on everything i have then i look back and tell myself i shouldn't cause i've worked so hard for it. 
So i worked hard for a life that has allowed me to lose myself. Nice. Well, no. At the end of the day, i blame myself for not getting a grip of my own self. If you knew half of the things i've done, you wouldn't see me as the same person again. And i am ashamed of it.


Life is so fucking hard. And its even harder when you have all these responsibilities. All these superficial-ness. When you're just too fucking busy for any friends till you just become so fucking lonely. So stop saying that im perfect. I do not lead a perfect life. I have my own problems too and i have a huge one now that is killing me cause I SCREWED UP.

Okay i think im done saying everything out. Thanks blogger.

3 comments:

  1. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
    -MarianneWilliamson

    Hope this helps :)

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  2. Exactly how I feel right now.. Cheer up anyway. :)

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