Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Realization 1: Impulsivity & Recklessness


I have an issue with controlling my impulses. I used to think that sets me apart from most of my peers because I was always willing to do things they wouldn't. To some extend, I guess it is a positive trait of mine, that I am able to take the road less travelled and pursue what I truly desire, such as taking a break from school to pursue acting etc. However, a little too much of something can be detrimental, and I've only recently realized the negative effects my recklessness has caused over the last 10 years of my life.

You see the cause of my constant reckless behaviour often sparks from a moment of anger or sadness. When I am overwhelmed with those emotions, which can be triggered by the littlest negative connotation, my mind goes blank; I can't feel or hear anything and I'd have a strong urge to lash out on anything I deem unworthy at that point of time.

When I was 10, I broke a peer's ballpoint pen into two with my bare hands upon a heated argument with her. A second after the deed was done, I felt confused and surprised at how much strength I had in me. I mean I was a scrawny kid with tiny hands. I didn't know I had so much energy in me. So you can only imagine the kind of things I'd be able to do now.

Anger to me feels like a pit of fire consuming every last cell in my body. It's as though I'm in a trance, feeling my entire body dissociating from everything. To simply put it, I have no sense of control over what I do, say, hear or feel.

That can be very dangerous because it is in those moments where I make the stupidest mistakes, the most irresponsible and irrational choices and when I use the harshest words about or on others. It breaks friendships, destroys relationships and tarnishes any reputation I have as a person.

I know what you're thinking. It's just in your head, you're thinking too much and everything can be controlled by your mind. Well, it's not that simple, at least it isn't for me. All my life, other then turning to violence, I've never known how to direct the negative energy to something else. And I'm still figuring that out.

This has never really been an issue to me because I never thought I even had an issue to begin with. But I think we can all agree that my life was a roller coaster ride over the last 5 months and it's proof that something is really wrong about me. When I look back at pictures taken during those months, I almost can't remember why I did most of the things I did. Like I said, I almost had no control, and it feels like I just woke up from a dream, or rather a nightmare.

I know I have to do something about this because it has proven to repeat over and over and over again throughout my life. I've had enough of not being able to control my emotions, and I urgently need to set things straight before more damage is done. Let's see how things go from here.

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