Thursday, November 22, 2012

Patience, Kindness & Selflessness

Many say that life is roller coaster ride.
And that every roller coaster ride comes with its ups and downs.
You get up to the peak for a moment, enjoying life and living it to what you thought was the fullest. Little did you know it takes a huge plunge the next second.

But I think otherwise.
Everyone does have their up and downs. Its the only way God has created for us to live. 
For us to learn. He gave us everything but he gave us the brains to think, to choose.
From what happened recently, i choose not to ride the roller coaster. I choose not to let it decide whether or not i should be feeling nervous or excited. I choose to put my life in it but i choose to be standing at the control station instead. It may seem a little to hard to understand but it just simply means im choosing to lead my heart instead of letting it lead me. In this way, i will be able to have control over my emotions then letting it control my actions, which, like i've mentioned before might lead to angry, foolish and regrettable actions. 

Thank you to everyone who've been really supportive over what happened. Its great knowing that you guys care even though you don't exactly know what happened. Im just gonna say that every single negative issue that occurred was due to my own self-centeredness. I was wrong and i did something really foolish and really really childish. 

Over the past few months, i lost myself. Yes i grew as a person but there was just something about me that wasn't right. I could do everything that i've never thought i would be able to achieve, like modeling and New Face competitions and blogging. But everything i did just felt... empty. Its like im achieving all of these but it just didn't seem wholesome. 

Everything happens for a reason and sadly Fai was involved in the discovery of my lost. He has endured it for a year. A year of my nonsense. But an unfortunate event occurred just earlier this week, it shook me and woke me up. It was hard to cope at first, still thinking more or less about myself. Over the next few days of solitude, of not being able to hear from my dear Fai or see him at all, i thought about a lot of things. So many images flashed though my mind and the sound of my mother's voice was the only comfort i had. I wanted to give up on everything i already had since working without a motivation is just as good as not working at all.

But being a pretty much determine and persistant person by nature, I wanted to salvage my relationship with Fai regardless of what it may take. I had been through a lot of heartbreaks and disappointment in my life but they were nothing compared to disappointing and breaking your loved ones' heart. So im on a mission to build a bridge to his heart once again in the hope that one day he may forgive me, trust me and love me again. Of course, im doing this with God's guidance... Nothing is impossible with him. 

Letting it be will not solve anything. Always remember that if destiny wants to accomplish something, it cannot do it on its own. You still gotta go the extra mile, be it small or huge just to earn what you've lost back. There is no such crap as "If we're meant to be, we'll get back together..."

I will bare in mind though that things like these takes time. "The way wounds heal is a miracle. Inevitably, they heal on their own. All we have to do is not let our hungry egos demand that the pain go away on a certain timetable. We need to have faith that the pain will pass. After all, pain is an emotion and no emotion stays forever..." The way to begin on how to love someone is through the procession of patience. Im a terribly impatient human being. I wait for no one and i rush into things which results in negative things anyway. 

I've learnt that if i wish to be a better person for both Fai and I, it starts with patience and kindness.. and all the other attributes of a heathy relationship will grow... I have learnt a lot over the past few days of fighting hard for the one i love. I've learnt things that i know of but never really wanted to think about. And i wonder about how much more i could give in the past if i knew these earlier. But like i said, everything happens for a reason and im glad its not too late. 

We'll take a day at a time... and it starts with sacrificing. 
"If you find it hard to sacrifice your own desires to benefit your spouse, then you may have a deeper problem with selfishness than you want to admit" 

Things will be alright...
It takes time and no matter how long it'll take, even if its gonna be longer then we both expect, i'll continue fighting for whats worth it.
"....those who quit early will forfeit the greatest benefits..."


1 comment: