We Only Appreciate Things When They're Gone

I don't know where to start. There's so much I need to say..

I hate the way I'm feeling right now. It hurts because I did this to myself. What hurts even more is that this isn't the first time that I've done it. Some times I wish I'd led a different life, one that is a little more peaceful. One where I'm filled with joy, nothing superficial, away from all things materialistic. Very often, I am asked if there are any downsides about being in the public eye, yes of course. Many. You don't have privacy at times, you have to be prepared to get scrutinised by others, the list goes on. But one thing I often forget about is that, when you're in such an industry where you're always getting compliments from people you don't have know, and you're constantly pampered with free expensive things you wouldn't even spend on, you would lose yourself in the process.

I've lost myself tons of times. And I did it again. I like getting compliments, who doesn't. But when the compliments seem a little more important than the constructive criticism from people that matter, that's when it's wrong and things will change. I'm really not perfect. Nothing close to perfect. In fact, no one is. I've made a mistake and like every other human being, I just want this whole shit to be over. I know I did too much and I don't know if it's too late.

I am at a breaking point now. At this moment, I don't want this life. I don't want to be Eunice Annabel. It's just so freaking hard. It's so hard because I get lost. I don't know what's real and what's superficial anymore. And I know that I am fighting this battle alone. It's so hard to pretend to be happy and be all bubbly at events when deep inside, I really am just breaking apart. The worst thing is, I didn't even realise that this was happening to me.

I just want to say that.. whatever I said on twitter yesterday about Fai isn't true. We fight like all couples do. But what triggered the entire fight was me. I'm really not that pleasant, cheerful, optimistic girl everyone thinks I am. I try to be. But there's just so much hatred, anger, overwhelming sadness in me that some times I just can't control my emotions. Most of all, I can't control my anger. Just think about it, why the hell does Eunice Annabel have 70k followers on Instagram but she only has 3 good friends? That's because she really isn't what you think she is. Why does she wanna get a dog so badly? Because she's so fucking lonely. I am so sorry if you feel cheated, but this is really who I am.

There are days where I just feel so lonely. And I wish I could just stop pretending to have a great life cause it really isn't the way it seems. "fucked up" that's how I would describe myself and my life. To be honest, without my family and Fai, I am NOTHING. If I wasn't with Fai, I wouldn't be Eunice Annabel at all. I think I would be one of those girls that drinks excessively, smokes and clubs every week. 

Fai taught me how to be proper. He is a DJ, he's constantly in clubs and he've seen things that normal people like you and me don't. And that's why, in the past he's always trying to protect me and prevent bad things from happening. But I never wanted to believe him because I wanted to see it for myself. I always want to see it for myself. I'm the sort of person that learns the hard way because that's just the way I was brought up. I hate my tattoos and I would never recommend anyone to do it and I know this because I did it. Because when I was told not to do it, I didn't listen. So you can say that my life is full of regrets.

You know, I'm always the one twitting and blogging about my relationship. It's always a one-sided story and you'll never hear about what exactly happened simply because Fai will never say. Because he respects me and he cares about our relationship. I did something really wrong yesterday because I couldn't control my anger. I've said things to him and about him that wasn't true and now, no matter what I do, nothing seems to be better. Fai is a good man and I don't deserve him. He's kind, patient and he has a huge heart. I am NOTHING like him. I don't blame anyone but myself. 

Blogging is all I really have. These numbers seem to be a little more important to me than anything else. And it's just so fucking wrong. Once you're in this industry, and you make it, trust me, it's fucking hard to come out of it. I love my job but I've fallen into the trap. Everything's about being pretty, being perfect, earning big bucks, getting huge sponsors but at the end of the day, I'm coming home feeling empty. I was once told by someone I respect and am fearful of that I have happiness but I don't have joy. Initially, I was taken aback. I felt a little insulted and demoralised. But then, I realised that it's true. I don't have joy. I have all these things that every girl dreams of but I'm not happy. Not because it's not enough, but because I am not making the people around me happy.

How can I give others joy when I don't even have it myself? How can I make Fai happy when I'm always just thinking about myself. Whether you believe it or not, I am self-centered. I am not afraid to say these sort of things about myself because it's true. And I have to admit it in order to learn and grow out of it.

The bottom line is, Fai didn't do anything wrong. There wasn't anything wrong in the first place. He just told me something that I wasn't happy about, I assumed and blew up. I said things that I didn't mean at all and I regret. And the reason why he don't tell me things some times is because he knows that I can't handle it. That I would judge him and compare his problems to my "perfect" life. And no, dating someone a lot older than me isn't an issue at all. Being with Fai enabled me to see the world in a different perspective and I want to believe that I've grown a little more mature being with him.

Fai has never been the bad guy. He has done a few mistakes but nothing as big as mine. Don't see him differently. Stop asking him what happened because it really doesn't help. Every huge shit that we've been through is all because of me. Because I make stupid choices. I don't deserve him. I am not a good girlfriend. I never was. Never was. Maybe I was for a short period of time and then I would switch back to being all fucked up. I did this to myself because I just don't know how to love myself anymore. I don't know what's real and what's fake. I don't even know if blogging about this is even right. 

I don't know how things will go from here. But now you know, I am nothing like you thought I was. I am nothing close to perfect. Blogging won't last forever, being pretty isn't everything, 30 years down the road, I won't look like this anymore. So I don't wanna grow old regretting too many things, I don't wanna feel this emptiness I'm feeling right now. I love you Fai, and I'm sorry.